Residency Advisor
The emotional chaos of Match Day is not coming from NRMP. It is coming from your family’s mouths.
If you do not plan for that, you are the only one in the room without a script. And that is how people get steamrolled into oversharing, crying in bathrooms, or fielding invasive questions they never wanted to answer.
Let me be blunt: you cannot control your relatives. You can absolutely control your words, your boundaries, and the tempo of the day. That is what this is about.
You will not get vague “set boundaries” platitudes here. You will get word-for-word scripts, pre-emptive texts, and backup lines for when people do not respect your first no.
Step 1: Decide Your Match Day Information Policy
Before you write a single script, you need one decision:
What is your information policy?
- Who learns if you matched?
- Who learns where you matched?
- Who learns when?
If you are fuzzy on this, family drama fills the vacuum.
Pick one of these concrete strategies
| Strategy Name | Who Knows What | Drama Risk |
|---|---|---|
| Open Book | Everyone knows everything immediately | High |
| Tiered Disclosure | Inner circle first, others later | Medium |
| Need-to-Know Only | Only partner/one parent knows details | Low |
| 24-Hour Delay | You share publicly the next day | Low-Medium |
I usually recommend Tiered Disclosure or Need-to-Know Only for most people with even mildly complicated families. Open Book is for unicorns with low-conflict relatives. You probably are not one of them if you are reading this.
Once you pick, stick to it. Your scripts will mirror that policy.
Step 2: Pre-Emptive Communication (Text Templates You Can Send Before Match Week)
If you address expectations before Match Week, you avoid 70% of the drama.
Send these ~3–5 days before Match Day. Edit to sound like you, but do not soften the boundaries.
A. General family message (group text or family chat)
Use this if your family is mostly supportive but nosy:
“Match Day is next Friday. I really appreciate everyone’s support the last few years. To keep my stress manageable, I am going to check my result quietly first, then share when I am ready.
So:
- I will not be answering calls/texts right at 9 AM.
- I will let you know the outcome later that day.
Thanks for understanding. I am focusing on staying calm and present that morning.”
If you want to set a 24-hour delay:
“Match Day is next Friday. I am planning to keep the day itself low-key so I can process everything. I will share my result with everyone on Saturday once I have had a chance to breathe and make a plan.
No news on Friday does not mean bad news. It just means I am protecting my sanity a little.”
B. For the one relative who always pushes (“I need to know first” person)
Send this directly to them, not in a group chat.
“Match Day is a big deal for me and also a big stressor. I know you are excited and want to know everything right away. My plan is: I will check my result, talk to [partner / parents / closest friend] first, and then update everyone else.
I want to be clear up front: I will not be sharing my result before that, even with anyone who asks. I hope you can support that, because it is how I am going to keep myself grounded.”
If they push back (“But I’m your [X], I should know first”):
“I hear that this feels important to you. For me, what is most important is having a calm, small circle right when I find out. That is not about how much I care about you; it is about what I can handle emotionally that day. My plan is final.”
Short, firm, not apologizing for existing.
Step 3: Plan Your Physical Setup
Drama scales with proximity. You need a Match Day environment plan.
Decide: Alone, small group, or big event?
Use this brutally honest flow:
| Step | Description |
|---|---|
| Step 1 | Think about family reactions |
| Step 2 | Attend school ceremony with family |
| Step 3 | Attend ceremony alone or with partner |
| Step 4 | Small gathering at home |
| Step 5 | Be physically separate when you open email |
| Step 6 | Supportive and noninvasive? |
| Step 7 | Do you want a crowd? |
| Step 8 | Do they respect boundaries? |
If you have even one relative who:
- drinks too much and gets loud
- turns everything into a comparison (“Well, your cousin got…”), or
- cannot handle uncertainty without panicking
Then you open your Match email without them present. Full stop.
Sample script to decline in-person family presence
When your mom says, “We all want to be there when you open it”:
“Match Day is already overwhelming for me. I am planning to open the email with just [me / me and partner / me and one friend], so I can react privately first.
After that, I would love to celebrate with you. But the actual moment I open it is going to be low-key.”
If they say, “We just want to support you”:
“And I appreciate that. The best way to support me is to give me a calm, private moment with the result. Then I can come to you with a clear head.”
Step 4: Scripts for the Week Before Match (When the Questions Start)
You will hear the same five questions on repeat. Have answers pre-loaded so you are not improvising while exhausted.
Question 1: “So what specialty did you choose again?”
Neutral, non-annoyed version:
“I ranked [internal medicine / pediatrics / EM]. I will find out the program on Match Day.”
If you do not want to explain your specialty choice to a skeptical relative:
“I chose the field that fits my personality and long-term goals best. It has taken years of thought and I am really happy with it.”
If they push with judgment (“But surgery is more impressive…”):
“Surgery is great for some people. It was not the right fit for me. I would rather be excellent in the field that matches me than miserable in something I chose to impress other people.”
Question 2: “Where do you think you’ll end up?”
If you want to keep it vague:
“I ranked a mix of places where I would be happy. The algorithm does its thing. I will know when I know.”
If they keep digging (“But what’s your top choice?”):
“I am keeping my list private. It keeps me calmer and avoids people being weird if I do not get one specific place. You will find out the actual result with everyone else.”
Question 3: “Are you worried you will not match?”
Normalizing answer that shuts the door:
“Match is always a bit stressful, but I have done what I can. Worrying out loud about worst-case scenarios does not help me, so I am trying not to go there in conversation.”
If they insist on doom talk:
“I am not going to talk about backup disasters right now. If that happens, I will handle it with my advisors. Let us not rehearse catastrophe.”
Step 5: Scripted Responses for Match Morning (Before You Open the Email)
You wake up. Your phone will light up. Stop letting other people’s anxiety set the tone.
Auto-response text you can copy into your notes app
Right at 8:50–9:00 AM when the flood starts:
“About to check my Match result. I am putting my phone on Do Not Disturb so I can process it for a bit. I will update you later today.”
Then put the phone face down.
You are not obligated to comfort Aunt Lisa at 9:02 AM while you are still trembling.
If someone calls repeatedly anyway
After you have calmed down:
“I saw you called a few times this morning. I had my phone on silent so I could focus. I will share the news when I am ready.”
If they guilt-trip (“I was so worried, you could have at least texted”):
“I get that it was hard to wait. It was also a huge day for me, and being glued to my phone would have made it harder. Next time, expect that I might go quiet during big moments.”
Step 6: Scripts for Good News (And Managing Oversharing)
Good news can also create drama:
- “Why that city?”
- “But that is so far from family!”
- “Are you sure that’s a good program?”
You still need scripts.
A. Basic announcement text (for friends/family chats)
Short and factual:
“Matched at [Program Name], [City], in [Specialty]! Feeling relieved and grateful.”
If you want less detail (e.g., extended family, social media later):
“I matched into [Specialty] and am really happy with the result. Thanks for all the support along the way.”
You do not owe your entire rank list or your exact program if that invites comparison or criticism.
B. When someone undercuts your happiness
Example: “But that’s not as good as [Prestige Program]” or “Isn’t that city kind of dangerous/boring/etc.?”
Response that shuts the commentary down:
“This is a strong program for my goals, and I am excited about it. I am not interested in comparing it to other places.”
If they keep poking:
“I am not going to defend my program choice. I am happy with it. I would love to celebrate, not debate.”
C. Handling “So when are you moving? What’s your salary? How many hours?”
For nosy logistics questions you are not ready to answer:
“I am still working out the details with the program. Right now, I am just letting it sink in that I matched. I will share more when I have clearer info.”
If they pry about salary:
“Residency salaries are pretty standard and public. I am focused more on the training quality than the paycheck right now.”
Step 7: Scripts for Bad or Mixed News
This is where family drama becomes landmine territory. You must script this before Match Day, not while you are sobbing.
Let us split the situations.
Scenario A: You matched, but not where you wanted
You are disappointed. Maybe devastated. You still control the narrative.
To close family you trust
“I matched at [Program, City]. I am struggling with some disappointment because it was not high on my list, but I am also relieved I matched and have a job and training. I will probably need a day or two to process.”
You are allowed to have mixed feelings.
When they say, “But that’s great!” and try to spin it:
“I appreciate the positivity. I also need space to feel how I feel. Both things can be true.”
To extended family / people who will judge or gossip
Filter it. You do not need to share your internal ranking:
“I matched into [Specialty] at a program in [Region]. It was on my list and I am relieved to have a spot. I am processing everything and focusing on the opportunities there.”
If they ask, “Was that your top choice?”:
“I am not discussing my rank list. I matched at a program where I will get solid training, and that is what matters.”
Scenario B: You did not match at all (Monday email)
This is the hardest. And most people have zero ready-made language for it.
You need two scripts: immediate disclosure, and boundary reinforcement.
1. Immediate disclosure to a very small, chosen group
Right after you get the Monday email:
“I got my Match result this morning. I did not match. I am participating in the Supplemental Offer and Acceptance Program this week to try to secure a position. I am going to be very busy and emotionally drained, so I may be slow to respond. I wanted you to hear it directly from me.”
If you want to keep it even tighter:
“I did not match. I am working with my advisors on next steps this week. I am under a lot of pressure, so I will update you when I have news. I am not ready to talk details yet.”
2. Boundary reinforcement when they start catastrophizing or interrogating you
If someone says, “How did this happen? Did you apply to enough places?”:
“I am not going to dissect what went wrong right now. My energy is going into next steps with SOAP and my advisors. I need your support, not an investigation.”
If they say, “So what if you never become a doctor?”:
“That kind of speculation is not helpful. The situation is already painful. I need calm, practical support, or I need space. Your choice.”
Scenario C: You SOAPed into a less desired field or prelim spot
Again, mixed feelings.
To family:
“I accepted a [prelim / categorical] position in [Specialty] at [Program]. This was not my original plan, but it is a real opportunity and a path forward. I am adjusting my expectations and figuring out the long-term plan with mentors.”
If someone dismisses it (“So it’s just a backup, are you even a ‘real’ doctor?”):
“It is a legitimate residency position that required a competitive application and quick decisions under pressure. I am not going to minimize it, and I am not going to let others minimize it either.”
Step 8: Handling Classic Family Drama Patterns (With Scripts)
Let us talk about specific problematic behaviors. You have seen these at Thanksgiving. They do not disappear on Match Day.
1. The Comparer: “Your cousin got into [Top Program]…”
Response:
“I am happy for them. My path is my own. I am not comparing myself to other people, and I am not interested in being compared.”
If they continue:
“If you keep turning this into a comparison, I am going to end this conversation. I need support, not a scoreboard.”
2. The Hijacker: Turns your Match into their story
Example: “This reminds me of when I did XYZ…” and you disappear from your own moment.
Polite redirect:
“I am glad that was meaningful for you. Today is a big day for me specifically, so I would like to stay focused on that right now.”
If they keep going:
“I am going to step away for a bit. I want to stay centered on my own experience today.”
3. The Gossip Distributor: Posts your news before you do
If you catch a relative posting your result on Facebook/WhatsApp before you are ready:
“Please take that post down. I am choosing when and how to share my Match result. I need you to respect that.”
If they say, “But it is good news, why does it matter?”:
“It matters because it is my life and my timeline. I was clear I would share when ready. Please remove it and do not repost my news without asking me first.”
Step 9: Prepare Short, Repeatable “Loop Phrases”
You will not remember long scripts under stress. You need short loops you can repeat when people push.
Examples:
- “I am not discussing my rank list.”
- “I am not talking about worst-case scenarios right now.”
- “I am happy with my program and do not want to compare it.”
- “I am not going into details today.”
- “That kind of talk is not helpful to me right now.”
When someone argues, you do not need a fresh argument. You recycle the loop:
“I understand you feel that way. I am not discussing my rank list.”
Do not get dragged into justifying. Just hold the line.
Step 10: Build Your Match Day Communication Plan (In Writing)
Do not keep this all in your head. You are going to be sleep-deprived and flooded.
Here is a simple structure you can copy into a note on your phone:
My information policy
- Who I tell first: __________
- Who I tell later: __________
- What details I share with which group: __________
-
- Family group text: [paste script]
- Individual to boundary-violating relative: [paste script]
Match morning auto-response
- [paste brief “phone on silent” text]
Good news script (short)
- For close family: [paste]
- For extended family / social media: [paste]
Not-ideal or bad news script
- If disappointed but matched: [paste]
- If did not match: [paste]
Three loop phrases I will use
Print it. Or pin it at the top of your notes app.
Step 11: Post-Match: Resetting Expectations for Residency
Family drama does not end on Match Day. It shifts.
You can use Match Day as a pivot point to set expectations for residency communication.
Simple post-Match boundary-setting message
Send this a few days after, when the dust settles:
“Now that I know where I am training, I want to give a heads-up about the next few years. Residency is intense and my schedule will be unpredictable.
That means:
- I may respond slowly to texts and calls.
- I might not be able to answer the phone during work, even in ‘nonemergencies.’
- I will need my days off to rest and handle basic life tasks.
I care about staying connected, but I will not be as available as before. Please do not take that personally; it is the reality of residency.”
You just saved yourself hundreds of “You never call anymore” guilt trips.
One Thing To Do Today
Open the notes app on your phone and create a new note titled “Match Day Scripts.”
Copy in three things right now:
- Your information policy in one sentence (“I will tell X and Y first, then group Z later in the day; I am not sharing my rank list with anyone.”)
- A pre-Match family text you are willing to send.
- Two loop phrases for when relatives push past your boundaries.
If it is not written down before Match Week, you will default to people-pleasing when it matters most. Draft your words now, while you are calm, so on Match Day your mouth does not have to improvise under fire.
